A long time ago in a galaxy far away I knew a guy who was and still is the bane of my existence. When I first met the a–hole he was a punk. After I got to know him I still thought he was a punk and an a–hole. But, in the fullness of time I came to realize that he was my kind of punk and a–hole so I should just go ahead and like him.
I met my eye-talian friend somewhere in the 1980’s. Exactly when I don’t know and frankly Scarlet I don’t care. We both worked in the Justice Complex in Trenton, New Jersey. We worked for two different companies who had satellite offices in the Superior Court. When work was slow, after we became friends of course, Vinny and I would play Paper Football. Hey! Don’t get all indignant about it. We did our work first. Most of the time.
But I digress.
The Vinster and I came up with a fair amount of humorous things that kept us entertained. We took on the Beasty Boys with our remake “You gotta fight for the right to go potty.” He would alter a caricature of the 1987 (I think) Philadelphia Flyers and put me in it with the requisite hockey stick and helmet. How about some Genesis: “Land of Kodusian”. Do you want some Bangles? I got yer Bangles right here: “Walk like a Kodu-ian”.
Yes, it was like unbridled maturity had run amok.
Did I mention that my old friend liked a little beverage called beer? There are stories to be told about that subject. You will be afraid.
Well, it came to be where we lost track of each other. Vinny fell upon some hardship and become a federal employee. Sad but true. I continued working in Trenton. Yes, I question my judgment as well. He got married to a woman who is so far superior to him and his squalid swarthiness it’s ridiculous. The only reason she is married to this doofus is because of some form of mind control. It has to be. If you saw Vinny you would agree with me. No offense Vin.
They had two kids which they didn’t name after me and despite this glaring error these kids seem to be upstanding people anyway. Shocking but true.
We lost track of each other for about 12-13 years. I would wonder about him every now and then and of course I would promptly vomit. Not a lot but enough to require the carpet cleaner. I have to admit that I missed him and his ridiculously nice wife over the years. He got busy with life and I did as well and we just lost contact.
Recently, my friend Jenny basically forced me to create a facebook page. Hey, she’s a woman so that makes her tougher than me. So I did. One of Vinny’s kids did the same thing to him. A few weeks ago he started entering names and found me. He wrote to me asking me if I knew him and like all decent people I denied knowing him.
Wait a second. That sounds awfully biblical. Sorry Jesus.
I wrote back and I saw him a couple weeks ago. It was an experience I won’t forget. I got lost on my way to his house. At one point I had gone ten miles beyond his town here in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. All trees that obscure street signs should be shot!
I eventually got there and had a great time. His wife looks the same as way back when: beautiful. Vinny looked about the same but he did have a fair amount of gray hair. There’s more to tell but it’s very late and I have to go to bed. Don’t worry my friends because part two of this story will be here soon. Maybe I should tell the old beer stories. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
